How to Make it Look like You Got off Your Butt Today and Actually Moved All the Junk Piled up Everywhere in your House

In just a few days it’s going to be New Year’s Day. Whatever resolutions you’ve made regarding the overweight control on your waistline or a low-cost investment plan for a humidifier or some other unimaginative resolution, we here at Giant REEf wish you the best of luck…uh…we mean “banzai!” That was Japanese, wasn’t it? Uh…oh well. Anyway, get out there and get moving! You can start by shoveling all that snow off your roof before it crashes through the ceiling onto your bed while you’re sleeping in your house.

The world needs more heroes. Be one! Tie a hero cape around your neck and fly through the air like superman. Except not with a telephone pole impaled in your back. Or a chunk of concrete on your face. Also, no to the bees. And scissors for hands are just weird. We’re trying to be helpful here.

In this edition we’re going to talk about how you can use improvisation and creativity as part of your daily life

• No matter what kind of horrible cubical-dweller hell scape that you inhabit during the day–to actually have fun with being alive and interacting with other human beings instead of just robotically going through the motions because “that’s just how it is” or “it’s easier than fighting against it.” First though, a word from our sponsor:
• Little known fact: The reason why people enjoy professional wrestling is not because they enjoy watching giant beefcakes and their lip syncing managers pretending to fight each other. The reason why people like professional wrestling is because they’re getting ready for the real fights that are going to happen later on tonight after everyone’s gone House.
• So if you want some extra edge during your next job interview or negotiation session, here’s what you do: While entering the building, slip a pair of brass knuckles into your pocket (check with the HR department first to see if it’s okay) House. Then, as you’re exchanging pleasantries and shaking hands with your interviewer or opponent, surreptitiously slide your hand into your pocket and grip the brass knuckles–just out of view so nobody notices.
• When somebody says something egregiously idiotic, like asking for your Social Security Number before you’ve even been offered the job or offering to give you a lump of coal instead of a Christmas bonus (it happens), don’t say anything. Just clench your fist and tighten the grip on your brass knuckles.

• The interviewer will immediately realize what’s going on and cower away from you in fear, knowing that they’re about to get punched out by some kid who lives with his parents and carries brass knuckles. And everybody knows that if there’s one thing hiring managers despise more than having something stuck up their ass, it’s being punched in the face during an interview. If nothing else just do this each time somebody says something completely boneheaded–you won’t have to do anything else to seal the deal. Just make sure you’re ready for your flying elbow drop afterward.
• Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s talk about overcoming “the man” or at least making life marginally more tolerable by using improvisation and creativity instead of getting run down by the daily grind like an ox yoked to a plow House.
• No matter what line of work you do, if you don’t approach it with an attitude of playfulness. Even if it’s something as mundane as filing paperwork or assembling tiny pieces into bigger pieces. Before mailing them off in boxes to people who never bothered to thank you for your trouble. You’re going to be miserable. Why? Because that is what happens when people take their work seriously:

• Let’s say a guy named Devin works at a factory where they make children’s toys. Once upon a time, he loved his job. He worked hard and took pride in the high-quality products that he helped build from raw materials. Right through to the finished product–which was not easy. Because it included small pieces made of dangerous materials like lead paint and polyester stuffing. Which might be accidentally inhaled or swallowed by babies who were going to choke on them anyway. Because that is just what happens when you have a baby.
• But then something changed. After years of being understaffed, the management finally hired enough people .So that everyone could get a lunch break without having to eat while standing up in front of their machines at the same time. It also meant that Devin wasn’t getting screamed at every day by his manager. For being five minutes late to work. Thanks to the new traffic lights at the crossroads near where he lived. Which made it harder to get out of bed in time to catch the bus. Which was running late more often lately because all of the roads were under construction.

Conclusion:

You are what you eat, and Devin slowly became a bitter, jaded person who didn’t care about his job anymore. So he came up with an idea for a new product line that would revitalize the company’s fortunes. An adorable plush teddy bear that could be filled with caramelize sugar or punch anybody in the face who got too close to it. It looked really cool on paper, but once everybody started punching each other over. Who got to take one House as their toy, management decided it wasn’t cost-effective for them. Because they were still paying people by the hour.